‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
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[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.