Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
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“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.