Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
You Might Also Like
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.