Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
You Might Also Like
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
This cat wants you to take your pills
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
These dogs look like they have good credit.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.