When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
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Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.