Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
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*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
yes… yes…
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.