An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
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Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know