“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
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God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved