Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
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Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?