If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
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so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
awkward
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
British websites use biscuits.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
look at me when i’m typing to you
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus