Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
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I am HOWLING at this
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)