[plot twist] ur buried vertically
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LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”