Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
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-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.