Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
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me: do u take walk-ins?
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Me: there’s no pleasing some people