I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
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AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
channeling her this year
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.