During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
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Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”
It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!