@buck4itt

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

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@mejustbeth

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

@2tickytacky

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

@online_shawn

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

@dubstep4dads

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

@AnOrangeSNES

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

@komradecarl

Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned

@spinubzilla

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

@Gupton68

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!