They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
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I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I love art.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
oh my gosh!!
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”