The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
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Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
“What?”
– Jude
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins