if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
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Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.