landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
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A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry