Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
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Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Rooting for the overdog
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Mission: Impossible
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together