Mission: Impossible
You Might Also Like
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.