God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
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Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life