Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
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so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick