Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
You Might Also Like
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
necessity is the mother of invention
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.