necessity is the mother of invention
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Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?