My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
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Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Jupiter
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
new career option?
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.