*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
You Might Also Like
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
real
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.