real
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[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
You deplete me
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.