I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
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Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Worth the read.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?