Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
You Might Also Like
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Best mom ever 😂
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.