If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
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I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo