ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
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Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.