Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
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On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Shark week, but for squirrels.