Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
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when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Whisper out to librarians!
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.