I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
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My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
kevin is now a local weatherman
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior