Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
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I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Saw your ex at the shops
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.