Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
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The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.