Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
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“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
won’t smith
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth