won’t smith
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I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all