Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
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My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?