Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
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Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?