Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
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We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
This meal prepping shit easy
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move