Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
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What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus