TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
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Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward