How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
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[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I had to Stop for this
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.