Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
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GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”