My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
You Might Also Like
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
i actually laughed 😩
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago