sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
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A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”