Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
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I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
SF is the wild wild west man
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.