BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
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Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
good morning
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…